I Wish
The other day on twitter (are you using twitter and wasting time like me, if so add me!) Susan Piver (whose writing and philosophical outlook I have begun to WORSHIP) said, “BTW, 2 other forms of laziness acc to Buddhism: regular (top chef marathons, ie) &, fascinatingly, becoming disheartened considered as lazy.”
This really struck a chord with me, because there are times when I feel myself falling into this deep, dark, black hole and as hard as I try, I cannot pull myself out. The only thing that seems to help me is time. If I am feeling down or depressed, I cannot force that feeling to pass. I just have to wait it out, and then one day, I’ll wake up and everything will feel right again, I will feel motivated and I will not feel overwhelmed and in constant chaos.
About 18 months ago, several really bad things happened to me at once. Last night, it hit me that it had been over a year and when I started counting, I reached 18 months. A year and a half of wallowing. Unbelievable. It still seems like yesterday.
I have a tendency to look at things and think, “My life would be better if . . . ” or “I will feel much better when . . . ” instead of looking at the present and enjoying today. I’ve wasted so much time just waiting for life to happen to me, it seems.
So I started thinking about it, and it’s true. I focus on the things that are negative in my life, without realizing that fixing that negative thing or eliminating it would not make my life perfect.
For example:
1. Sometimes I wish I had lived a traditional life in the correct order: started a career, gotten married, had kids, etc. etc. Then I look at the lives of my friends whose lives ended up this way and a lot of them are unhappy, divorced, or even starting over again.
2. Sometimes I wish I was thinner, had a smaller nose, in better shape, less obsessive, worried less, less sensitive, etc. etc. etc. Then I look at the people who ARE those things and they’re not happier than me. They’re just different.
3. Sometimes I wish I had not wasted so much time and accomplished more with my life. That’s usually when I just smack myself for wasting MORE time worrying about it. Why can’t we all just start living our lives now, instead of wishing for what might have been, what could have been, or what should be?
And I really want to stop saying, “I wish” and begin saying “I am” or “I will.”
A very good friend of mine is ill, and she has been dealing with the bureaucracy of insurance, lack of coverage, costs, and all those things that prevent so many of us from getting proper medical care. She began having problems 6 weeks ago, and she still has not been diagnosed. She is playing the waiting game, along with being scared, and she still has not seen a doctor. I have tried really hard to be supportive and compassionate, and to quietly encourage her to be more proactive in getting treatment. It’s not working, and time is passing while someone I care about waits and worries and suffers. Part of it can be blamed on the U.S. medical care industry, but most of it has to be blamed on someone being paralyzed with fear, and this is a trait I recognize. However, I’ve also learned that even when I recognize those traits in other people, I am still unable to figure out how to solve the problem, how to encourage or motivate them, even when I am so familiar with these types of behavior patterns.
I remember the times that I was paralyzed with fear and looking back, I really wish someone would have been more assertive with me, even aggressively pushed me into taking action, instead of politely encouraging me and silently worrying about me. My life is my responsibility and my friend’s health is her responsibility, but when someone you care about needs help, is inactivity really the right thing to do? Part of being a friend is being a Buttinski, I think, don’t you?
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