Letting go of the past
Over the years I’ve lost touch with friends, both intentionally and unintentionally, and occasionally there comes a time when you have to accept that they are no longer a part of your life. However, there is a time when you can look forward, not back, and renew a friendship that you thought you had lost.
Recently, I spoke to someone who I care a lot about and haven’t spoken to in years. We caught up on the phone for over an hour, and I am grateful we did so. However, she mentioned something during our conversation that brought back a lot of negative feelings and made me think about a subject that will always be sensitive and personal.
When I went through my custody trial and my son went to live with his father, his wife, my son’s stepmother, emailed her and tried to make friends. She stated that if my friend wanted to know anything about my son, that she could now email her (the stepmother).
I was already aware of this happening to several people and I am still confused as to the intentions of this behavior. This woman was not replacing me and my son had not been removed from my care forever. I had not been ruled an unfit mother or been told I should no longer have anything to do with my son. Therefore, why would someone think they can step in and take over my life by contacting my friends?
I discussed this at length with a few therapists and several friends, who all agreed that the foundation for behavior such as this is jealousy. It’s very difficult to accept that someone goes to such lengths to ruin your life, make you miserable, and cause you such pain because of ENVY. I didn’t buy it. I still don’t think I do, but I have never been able to understand a hatred that burns so deep in a person that they could use a child to further that agenda.
I clearly remember my son’s first weekend home after the trial. It was so difficult to stay upbeat and try to be positive and pleasant, while my heart had been ripped out of my chest and I alternated between wanting to sit in a dark room and cry all the time and wanting to punch a hole in the wall. During that visit, my son mentioned that he had an email address and had been emailing with a few people we knew.
After that weekend, I emailed and asked for the email address so that I could also email my son. I was told that I had been blocked from emailing him and that if anyone I knew attempted to email him on my behalf, they would be blocked as well. I cannot express the anger I felt at that moment. I forwarded the email to my son’s therapist, who expressed her concern over this behavior and stated that this was inappropriate and emotionally unhealthy for my son. She stated that she encouraged them to let my son email with me and the response was that I could call my son any time and talk to him, there was no reason for me to email him. Sure, calling my son meant me leaving a message on the answering machine and never getting a return call. Did I feel bitter? Of course I did. Sometimes I still do.
Thinking about those memories is still very painful for me. In fact, I became quite angry when I was recently told about the email situation with my friend. No matter how hard I try, I will never understand certain human behaviors. Going through that custody trial showed me an ugly side of so many people. I saw things I never wanted to see, and learned things about people I never wanted to know. Over the past year, so much more has come to light that scares me. Literally scares me.
I am thankful and feel blessed that we survived and we are now able to move forward. I no longer feel stuck or in a holding pattern, waiting for the next crisis. I spent five years doing nothing but feeling constant anxiety, worry and fear over what would happen next or receiving another phone call from my lawyer, telling me about the latest set of legal issues we had to face.
While speaking to my friend brought back some ugly memories, I feel better equipped to deal with them now and not freak out or get so angry that I want to punch someone. I am hoping for the day that they will be only vague, ugly memories from the past that I no longer think about, but I know that time will never come. I have to pull them out occasionally, look them over, deal with the feelings they bring, and file them away again.
I am also hoping I can learn something positive from those experiences. Sometimes I wonder what in the world that might be, but I think it made me a little more realistic and not so trusting. While that doesn’t sound like a good thing, I think it is. Back then, I was running through the world with blinders on, thinking that no matter how anyone behaved, there was good in people that would show up in the end. Obviously, I’ve watched too many Lifetime movies.
Meanwhile, I am thankful for new friendships, renewing old friendships, and attempting to keep the garbage and negativity out of my life. And that helps me deal with all the pain of the past.
June 9th, 2008 at 8:38 am
[…] Letting go of the past Over the years I’ve lost touch with friends, both intentionally and unintentionally, and occasionally there comes a time when you have to accept […]
June 9th, 2008 at 9:27 am
When I first started reading you and found out what you went through, I couldn’t believe it and to this day, I still can’t. You were in such a crappy situation. I think I felt drawn to you because I was the child in this kind of drama. It sucked and to this day, I’m mad at my parents for doing that to us.
I really hope you can gain back friends. There is really nothing like an old friend. Maybe now it can work between you. I’m just so glad that yhis is over for you and Kyle. It’s to bad he lost his dad but it’s great that things are back to normal for you.
I’ll be thinking of you Trish.
June 9th, 2008 at 10:35 am
[…] Letting go of the past …occasionally, look them over, deal with the feelings they bring, and file them away again. … Obviously, I’ve watched too many Lifetime… […]
June 9th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
yeah…I don’t get what the “stepmom” was trying to do, other than that she was obviously jealous of your life. we haven’t really had problems like that, because most of the “friends” hubs had before he met me had “had sexual relations” with his wife behind his back. (yeah.) SO…he kind of went through a whole change of friends right around the time we got together. That subsequently got blamed on me. Oh well. Guess I’m just a bitch for thinking you shouldn’t sleep with your friend’s wife. Oops.
I’m so glad things worked out with your son being back with you. I’m sure things didn’t end up quite like you’d like them, although I can’t help but think karma was quite the payback there. I do always keep you in mind when I’m posting, and actually just warned another friend this weekend about posting whatever she was feeling in her open blog, where those she was posting about could find it.