Adequacy
Occasionally, someone will make a comment to me about single mothers and even when the comments are positive, there is a condescending tone to them. I’m not sure if I am being overly sensitive or I’m getting a sense for how they really feel.
“I really admire single mothers. I could NEVER do it alone, I don’t know how a single mother handles everything. I have to leave the kids with my husband once a week just to go to the grocery store.”
Another comment I hear occasionally is how single mothers put their lives “on hold” while raising their children. Recently, I thought about these comments and whether or not I consider my life in a holding pattern while I raise my son. Sometimes I feel this way, but this is my choice, and I accept it. However, I do have to wonder about married women and their lives as a mother, and think of so many people I know who are not truly happy with their lives or their marriage. A lot of married women consider themselves “stuck” in an unhappy marriage because they might depend on their husband’s income, or they don’t want to break up their marriage because of their children. Therefore, wouldn’t they be putting their lives on hold as well?
Our society puts such an importance on marriage, a child growing up with two parents, yet we also have so many diverse examples of family units today. There are many happy children growing up with two mothers, two fathers, one mother, one stepfather, raised by their grandmother, living only with their father, and the list goes on and on. Children don’t need a mommy and a daddy and a house with a white picket fence to be happy. We all know this, yet so many people still have a negative opinion of single mothers, when so many of these children might be more well-adjusted and happy because they are not living in a home with parents struggling in an unhappy marriage.
I am still surprised to see how many ways women can knock each other down, when we should all be supporting each other. I don’t see the need for all of us to stand in a circle and hum an inspirational hymn, but we do need to realize that all mothers work hard raising their children. Just like no one has the ideal parenting situation, no one deserves criticism and ridicule for a situation someone else might not consider ideal.
I have made comments before, mainly tongue-in-cheek, about people who make these comments, that one day they might wake up and their husband announces he is leaving them for another woman, or they realize they are unhappy and want a change. However, I have seen it happen so many times to people who have criticized me that it has made me realize that anyone who holds their own situation up as an example of how anyone else should live or imagines their own lives to be the perfect example for us all is doing just that: imagining.
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. — Leo Tolstoy
June 4th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Well, I guess I feel lucky that I’ve gotten to see it from a lot of different viewpoints. For the first 18 years of my life, I didn’t want kids. Then I had one, and I raised her by myself for over 10 years. Then I got married, and took on three step-kids full time, and worked, then I took a job consulting that made my husband the primary caregiver and took me away from home, and now - I’m the stay at home mom. SO. I do think that while I was working, I did have the ability to achieve a lot, but many times I had to leave to go to an appointment or kid function, and I think that impacted my ability to be promoted like my childless counterparts (or male counterparts). In consulting, there were VERY FEW female consultants and even fewer who had children, and I got a lot of condescention from people who obviously felt I wasn’t doing the right thing for my kids by travelling and making a bigger income. Now that I’m a stay at home mom, I do have a new appreciation for women who stay home with their kids - however - I will say that even with four kids and trying for one more, it is less work to be a stay at home mom than to try and be supermom who works AND keeps a tidy home AND stays involved with school and extracurricular activities and all that for the kids. I’m not saying that to be disrespectful - just having done all of them, being ‘just’ the stay at home mom is a lot less stress-inducing.
I have had people make condescending comments when I was a single mom - but you know - I was more successful than most of them, so I pretty much brushed it off.
June 4th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
I’ve got friends who are single mothers. Honestly they are no different than I am only they don’t put up with my dh.. I don’t feel badly for them nor am i foolish enough to think that it wont happen to me one day. And yes even as a married mother I’ve put a great deal of my life on hold to raise my kids. However I don’t look at it as putting my life on hold. I choose to raise these kids and I WANT to raise these kids. These kids ARE my life to an extent..
June 5th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I know MANY people that, when their kids fly the coop, they’ll be long gone. Eat my dust kind of thing so then yes, your right, their lives are “on hold.” I also feel it’s what you want out of life. If your happy, who cares what anyone else thinks? It’s not up to someone else to tell us what’s “the perfect scenario.” I also feel nobody else needs a “significant other” to make them happy. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. I give single mothers more credit than I can say. It’s hard enough to raise a family and to do so alone, I think would be so hard. There is no “tag team” thing happening and everything is up to you.
June 7th, 2008 at 7:05 am
“surprised to see how many ways women can knock each other down”
Not sure that they rally knock each other down.. maybe its just perception ..
I know a couple of single Dad’s who have custody of kids. They also put their life on ‘hold’.
ITs like “hey an’t yu coming over for playoff” - “No, I got the kids to take care off” .
The point in making is that men too are in the same boat. But somehow, we never actually knock each down but at times we could be condescending !!