Clouded Motherhood
This was one of the tasks we set forth at the beginning of this campaign — to continue the long march of those who came before us, a march for a more just, more equal, more free, more caring and more prosperous America.
I listened with interest on Tuesday when Barack Obama made his speech addressing racial issues surrounding his association with Rev. Wright, the Trinity United Church of Christ and issues he faced growing up. I have mentioned numerous times how my son’s situation is similar to his in some ways, so I find myself more interested than most to his message and his insight into racism in this country.
One thing he mentioned in his speech was about his grandmother and how he loved her in spite of her racism. He said:
These comments have been receiving a lot of criticism over the past few days, and I cannot understand why. We all have relatives we don’t agree with or whose beliefs are different than ours. If we disowned family members or disassociated ourselves from everyone who believed differently from us or said something offensive, we would live quite lonely and isolated lives.
In fact, a similar anger exists within segments of the white community. Most working- and middle-class white Americans don’t feel that they have been particularly privileged by their race.
Obama’s speech struck a chord with me because I have experienced similar racism in my own family. I mentioned a few days ago about my family members making racist comments and behaving in insulting and hurtful ways towards me when I had my son and at various times during his life. I cannot disassociate myself and my son from them totally because I do know they care about him and they have never done anything directly to my son or made him feel like something is wrong with him. I admit that it does bother me, though, and I struggle daily with some of the things that have happened over the years.
Therefore, I can understand a little of the resentment and anger that is expressed in sermons like Rev. Wright’s. I cannot begin to understand or rationalize what other people might have gone through, because my situation is probably nothing in comparison to what others have experienced. The anger I have felt at times overwhelms me, so I have no idea what it must feel like to spend a lifetime fighting racist comments, attitudes and living in a society where you’re made to feel like you never really belong, not totally.
That anger may not get expressed in public, in front of white co-workers or white friends. But it does find voice in the barbershop or around the kitchen table. At times, that anger is exploited by politicians, to gin up votes along racial lines, or to make up for a politician’s own failings.
What gives me so much hope and what stirred me emotionally about this speech is that Obama addressed these issues directly. He did not run and hide or try to distance himself from Rev. Wright and spend his time doing damage control to save himself. He stood up and stood for what he has been preaching to the masses during this entire campaign. He was different. His politics are unconventional. And that’s a good thing.
Understanding this reality requires a reminder of how we arrived at this point. As William Faulkner once wrote, “The past isn’t dead and buried. In fact, it isn’t even past.” We do not need to recite here the history of racial injustice in this country.
More than once, I have been in public with my son and someone with too much time on her hands will be looking us over with her brow furrowed, not quite sure what to make of us. I can predict with almost 100% accuracy when someone is going to ask me a question. They get this puzzled look on their face, they open their mouth and start to speak, stop to question themselves, and then move forward with the question. With a nervous laugh, they will ask, “What is your son?” (Seriously.) I have now learned to pause, look confused, and ask them, “What do you mean?” They will then try to figure out how to appropriately word their inappropriate question. “Well, what is he?” My response now is always, “He’s a boy, you can’t tell? ”
This form of racism is shown by articles that ask, “Is Obama Black Enough?” Is he black enough for what? Do we really categorize people by a color wheel?
As a mother who sat in a courtroom listening to lawyers and therapists stating that boys growing up in single mother households without living with their father will become criminals, I am inspired that we have another presidential candidate raised by a single mother. I think mothers need the message more than their children sometimes: You are not a failure because of the absence of a man. I have to remind myself of this quite frequently.
And it means taking full responsibility for own lives — by demanding more from our fathers, and spending more time with our children, and reading to them, and teaching them that while they may face challenges and discrimination in their own lives, they must never succumb to despair or cynicism; they must always believe that they can write their own destiny.
And this is what I want for my son. For him to know that he can do whatever he wants, be whoever he wants, and achieve everything he wants. I want him to write his own destiny, in spite of the people telling him it isn’t possible. Let the change happening now reflect the change in his future.
March 24th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Great post! I hope that you’re successful in teaching your son to do whatever he wants!
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March 24th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Ok - I will own up to the “What is he” line of thinking…not with your son so much - but with my daughters friends. The vast majority of my daughters friends are mixed-race children, and I’m always curious about the mix. That curiosity isn’t based in a desire to categorize them in a particular way in regard to race - it’s usually more of a “I wonder how she got that gorgeous skin tone!” A couple of her friends are white/black, one is black/asian, and then there are the mormons, who surprisingly enough DO come in multiple colors (which we still don’t understand, given that mormonism is really NOT the most friendly religion for people of color). Anyway - I will admit to possibly staring too hard in trying to figure out the racial make-up of some of my daughters friends…however I’ve done the same with her Bosnian friend (who has a very easter European look). But most of all, what it comes down to, is an interest in these kids families. They come from all sorts. One lives with her sister because their mom is a crackhead. One lives with a dad and step-mom, and we learned a couple of weeks ago that her dad isn’t biologically her dad. She’s got friends from very large families, who were homeschooled for a long time, and friends who live with grandparents.
But I guess what I’m getting at is - if I stare too hard at a child, I don’t think it necessarily ever has to do with race (from me, anyway). I’m just very interested in figuring these kids out (And figuring out which kids are appropriate influences for my kids.) There’s no racial divide there - the one large, white, religious, home-schooling family has the child that is the worst influence - bi-sexual, interested in drugs and alcohol and sex - no manners AT ALL.
Anyway - I’m still undecided on Obama. I do think it was good that he did the speech, but it didn’t really change my opinion either way.