Apologies
Yesterday he said my eyes
Were fading fast away
I said well what do you expect
You asked me not to stay and if it had all been for the best
I wouldn’t feel this way
And he said
Oh he said it’s crazy
How love stays with me
You know it hurts me
Cause I don’t wanna fight this war
And It’s amazing to see me reading through this scene
Of love and fear and apologies
(Grace Potter and the Nocturnals)
Every other Wednesday I go to a corner of Main Street in downtown Houston and see Jules. Lately, I have not been very dependable and I am now paying the price for my procrastination and getting off schedule.
About six years ago, I was attacked on the streets of downtown and Jules, a homeless man, saved me. Jules is an addict and he has stopped lying to me about what he does with my money. He knows I know. Twice a month I check on him, give him money, some food, a few toiletries and find out if he needs anything to survive another two weeks.
The last time I saw him was right after New Year’s. He was very hateful to me and screamed at me never to come back again. He had that look in his eyes that addicts get when they are hurting. But he hurt my feelings and I did as he requested.
He has my cell phone number and some of his friends know me. Late this afternoon, my cell phone rang, and a guy with a Jamaican accent told me that he was a friend of Jules and he found my phone number in Jules’ bag.
Jules is in the hospital with pneumonia and malnutrition.
I know there was nothing that I could have done to have changed this situation. I resolved my feelings of helplessness a long time ago. It’s the hopelessness that gets to me.
And as I sit here hoping that Jules will get better and possibly get the help he needs, I have to wonder: You can fill someone full of antibiotics, patch them up and send them back to the hopelessness. Sadly, is that really getting better?
How can a life be so sad that I sit here and wonder if I was in the same situation, would I really want to be in the hospital? Would I really want a doctor to help me?
I know that Jules will go back to living exactly the way he did before. There’s nothing I can do to prevent it. There’s nothing I can do to change it. I keep hoping the good I saw that day will show itself again and grow stronger.
And I will return, every other Wednesday, wondering if it will ever make a difference, yet knowing it probably never will. All it does it make me feel better and really, that’s just not enough.
January 29th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Sometimes “enough” is all we can do.
you are a great person.
February 4th, 2008 at 6:34 am
I think its great that you have done all you have for him. Whatever money or items you were able to give helped. You cannot solve all his problems but your gratefulness made his life a bit easier here and there.