T-H-E-R-A-P-Y
As I’ve mentioned before, posts from my blog were used in a nasty custody case in 2004. This is the post that seemed to anger the “other side” and I was required to read it aloud in court. Apparently, they felt that I had anger issues, whatever that means. I attempted to explain the definition of sarcasm, along with satire, but their attorney began crying that I would mock religion so freely and had to leave the courtroom to “compose herself.” The post did entertain the criminals sitting in the jury box awaiting their bail hearings, and I even got a few thumbs up from the more deviant looking ones. In fact, the judge even chuckled at my references to Pat from Saturday Night Live, but he quickly suppressed his laughter to glare at me in disdain.
I am seriously still confused as to why this post was chosen out of so many (that probably would have made more sense) to use to try to attack my character. However, I am still proud of myself for being able to read the entire post in a monotone voice with no expression whatsoever, and never cracking a smile.
Originally posted December 16, 2002:
Dear Parents who attended the Christmas Program at my son’s school today:
First of all, I’d like to thank you for standing in front of me to videotape your kid singing. I am happy to have been able to save a spot for you and block the light. It’s ok, I didn’t want to see my own kid singing anyway. I’d also like to add that the flash that will be ruining your videotape? That’s mine, sweetie. I pointed it right at your lens several times. I bet next time you’ll find a spot off to the side away from rude bitches like me who use a flash by your video camera on purpose.
To the lady sitting next to me . . . Thanks for bringing your baby. It really added to the performance of the children to have a screaming baby drowning out their singing. However, since your baby is so much more special than anyone else in the whole entire universe, I know that no one expected you to try to make the baby be quiet, or god forbid leave the room to calm him down. In fact, I think that clacking rattle you gave him that he continued to bang on the table next to me did the trick. If not, all the loud cooing and shhhh noises you made at least covered up his crying.
Additionally, I heard you whispering to your aqua net girlfriend with the red talon nails. You don’t have to wonder, I’ll answer your question. Yes, I really was staring at you because your baby was crying. Isn’t that rude of me? I was actually pondering how you didn’t self-combust with that hairspray, nail polish and perfume trio you had going on there. And you’re right, the off brand smells just as good as the real stuff. If not, it will repel any mosquitoes that happened to get into the school today.
To the lady behind me, thanks for singing along with all the children. You deserve the parent of the year award for learning all the songs and making sure everyone heard you.
To the person who I couldn’t figure out was a man or a woman, it’s inconsiderate to park your ass at a table and reserve 10 chairs for your entire family and try to force the rest of the parents to sit in the back because Junior and Bubba are picking up the rest of the family. I sat right down at your table and smiled, just to piss you off, and I’ll do it again. My main reason wasn’t to piss you off. I was trying to figure out your gender because I had visions of Pat from Saturday Night Live. And listen asshole, my child is just as important as yours, and I got there at the same time you did, so I’ll just find an empty chair and park my own ass. This is a free performance for all parents and there were not advance reserved ticket sales. Therefore, your relatives who got there late can fend for themselves. I would have been glad to accommodate you if you were saving one seat, but you need to roust everyone out of bed earlier if you want to bring 20 people and all sit together. That’s not too difficult, is it?
And to the school, your “tradition” of singing the song, In This Room at the end of every performance for the last 20 years might need to be reconsidered. It’s nice to have traditions, but lots of schools have gotten into trouble lately for singing religious songs. You might check on that. This is a small town, but believe it or not, you’re required to follow the same laws as everyone else. Imagine that! Your song was about Jesus being in this room. I looked for him, but I didn’t see him, so don’t teach the children to fib that way. They will all have imaginary friends, but don’t squash their creativity by naming those friends for them.
When I could see, it was a great program. I’m sure you all agree. I’ll let you know when I download my pictures. I have several shots of the backs of your heads and your asses crammed into your stretch pants checking your video cameras. Ho ho fucking ho.
Love and holiday kisses,
T
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