Choices
Today is the anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision legalizing abortion. The politics and emotions surrounding abortion are volatile. People who claim to fight for life will throw blood on people and harass them. I know doctors who have had containers of dolls left in their driveway covered in fake blood, and seen by their young children. Clinics are bombed, and women are harassed and screamed at in the street. All in the name of life.
This decision will not be overturned. All Republican presidents speak out in support of the pro-life movement. Let’s not forget that the president’s mother, Barbara Bush, spoke out in her support of a woman’s right to choose when her own husband was president. But I digress from my point of this post. Abortion is not about politics, and it’s not about women’s rights or whether it is right or wrong. It’s about choices.
What this decision is really about is a woman’s free right to choose whether or not to continue a pregnancy. It’s a heartbreaking, soul searching, guilt inducing decision that a woman must live with forever. I know, because I made that choice. I’m thankful I had that option, because I was able to do what I felt was right for me. Continue my pregnancy.
When I told my son’s father that I was pregnant, he was not happy. Neither was I, because it was not in my plan to have a baby when I was single, not established in a career, and in a shaky relationship. He suggested the option of abortion, and I seriously considered it. I was afraid. I was afraid of being pregnant, I was afraid of abortion, I was afraid of having a baby, and I was afraid of being a mother. Even though people argue that you’re already a mother as soon as a pregnancy test is confirmed positive, this is not true. You might feel like a mother, but you’re not, not yet.
He was going home to New Jersey for one of many untruthful reasons just to be with another girlfriend, but he left the money for me to have an abortion and expressed his concern and support as he ran out the door.
I couldn’t do it. I was afraid, but also unable to go through with it. When he returned, I told him that I had been unable to have an abortion and I had changed my mind, and handed him his $250. He was upset, and told me how crazy I was, and what a bad decision I was making. He demanded that I reschedule my appointment, and harassed me until I agreed. He insisted on driving me to the abortion clinic this time, and accompanying me to my appointment.
When we arrived, we filled out all the necessary paperwork, and I waited for my name to be called. I looked around the room and could not get over the number of women there, and wondered about each woman’s individual situation that caused her to be there that day.
When my name was called, he stood up to follow me back, and the nurse told him to wait in the lobby, that she was just going to chat with me briefly. He was not pleased that he would be unable to walk me back there with the figurative gun in my back. The nurse was very friendly and compassionate, but obviously in a hurry to shuffle me through since they were so busy. She explained the procedure to me, and asked me if I had any questions. I asked her about the pain, curious about what would happen, and as she gave me the details, I began crying. She then asked me a question that changed my life.
Are you here because you want to be, or because you’ve been pressured to be?
I began crying harder, and explained my situation to her. She told me that it was my choice, and my choice alone, and if I was unsure that I could go home and think about it and come back. I told her no, I’d already cancelled one appointment and just wanted to get it over with. She explained to me that this is not something you just “get over with,” and that I should wait and give it some thought.
Luckily, she did not send me out into the lobby to think. She cancelled my appointment and sent me home. I told him that I was still unsure, and that we were leaving, and he grabbed my arm and walked me back up to the desk, demanding that they take me back there and finish this off (his words, not mine).
Needless to say, they refused, and not too long after that day, he took off again. He pretended to support me and my decision to continue the pregnancy, but he never really did. I had a very stressful pregnancy, and it is not something I’d want to relive.
Would I go through it all again? I’m not sure. However, I have a son. I believe I made the right choice. But it was my choice, I was not forced to do anything because there were no other options available to me.
Insensitive people ask me if I wish I’d had an abortion. You cannot ask a mother this question. I cannot look at my son and wish he’d never been born. I understand what they’re asking me, but I cannot answer that question in good conscience. I made the decision that I felt was best for me at the time, based on my own circumstances. It was not a happy pregnancy, and it was a very stressful time for me. I sometimes say that the best thing that ever happened to me happened at the worst time in my entire life. The happiest moment of my life was during the worst moment of my life.
So as I see people voicing their opinions for both sides of this controversial debate, I am grateful that I had a choice and that other women do as well. Not all women would have made the choice I did, but that’s what it’s all about — the individual freedom to choose.
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